3 days

July 15, 2012 · Filed under Uncategorized

My due date is coming up… In 3 days… In 3 days…. I’m still so sad right now… i miss my baby boy. Not a single St. patricks day or 4th of july will ever go by and not get a I miss him so very much.

But I have news… scary, terrifying, life altering news… I’m pregnant! and I’m so very scared… What if we lose this one? If it does happen will I sink into that same depression? Will i be able to climb out again?  I don’t know. I am happy, nauseous, tired, and so very very scared. 10 weeks down looking  forward to  30 more good ones!!

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Happy happy mothers day!!!

May 13, 2012 · Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged

So today I ended up getting the most perfect gifts! Some wonderful gifts and crafts from my children. And from my husband oh from my wonderful husband, He said that he is ready to try for another baby!!! Oh my heart is so much lighter. I am happy!!!!!!!!!! Yay!!

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Mothers day

May 12, 2012 · Filed under mourning, second trimester loss, Uncategorized · Tagged ,

Tomorrow is mothers day… I want nothing to do with the day, I want no gifts, no money spent. The cards and such my children made me are enough. I have been trying to tell my husband that..  He doesn’t get it. What I want to tell him is what I really want.. I want my baby back.. I want to be hugely pregnant and miserable. I want my baby boy not some trinket. I want to get pregnant again. I want him to want to try again. I want to be happy. I don’t want to celebrate. I want to throw up and buy diapers. I want to stop the tears that wont stop no matter what I do.  But I can’t tell him that. He doesn’t understand.  Or doesn’t want to and I’ll nnot inflict that pain on him again.

So while I hope everyone has a happy day tomorrow. I’ll have another day where all I want to do is curl up and die. I’ll be outwardly happy for my children and husband, but so sad inside that it is completely unfathomable.

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I’m a horrible person

May 7, 2012 · Filed under mourning, second trimester loss · Tagged

So my neighbor had a new baby boy today.. I broke down in tears as soon as I shut the door.. It’s no fair, I’m angry and sad, but I want to be happy for her. I really truly do. I am a horrible neighbor. For the past month I have been jealous of her. I have been angry and avoiding her. I don’t even know her very well. I didn’t even know her well enough to tell her I was pregnant. She doesn’t know that I lost a baby boy, and there is no reason to tell.. There is no reason to tell anyone. No reason at all. there is no reason to writing this either except that this is what I do when I’m upset. I write it down.. I drown it in tears for a few minutes, I berate myself, and I try to move on.  Why can’t I move on? Why do I have to be this angry bitter person? why can’t I control myself even a little?

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July

May 4, 2012 · Filed under mourning, second trimester loss

July 18th… My baby boys due date… A day that will pass without exception… A day that will fly by with out a care to me or my feelings… I want so badly to be pregnant again before that day. I want something anything to look forward to. I want my hubby to know this, but I don’t want to hurt him because he isn’t ready to talk about it.  I’m not sure how I will make it through that day/month. Hell just getting through April has been hell. July 18th.. Only 2 months away. Only 10 weeks. Only nothing.. Nothing at all.

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Drinking

May 2, 2012 · Filed under mourning, second trimester loss

I’m not much of a drinker.. Never have been, Never liked it. The other day Hubby got me a bottle of a new wine to try. It was pretty good and as I for some reason super hormonal I drank the entire bottle in 2 days. and had a few other drinks on top of that. I started my period the next day. Seriously getting my period has been like a kick in the teeth. Thank you god for rubbing in my face the fact that I am no longer pregnant. Thank you god for the hormones rushing through my body that make me tear up and cry while watching my kids play at the playground… Thank you for the cramps and horrible awful stomachache.

Why can  I not just get over this yet? Seriously I do want to move on so badly, but I miss my little boy so damn much… Fucking hell 😦

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I hate

April 27, 2012 · Filed under mourning, second trimester loss, Uncategorized

I hate  running into people that I haven’t seen since before we lost the baby. I hate having to tell people over and over again that he is gone.

I hate that my life is turned upside down again. I had been planning on getting a job when DD#2 started kindy this year.. Then we found out #5 was coming and everything changed. Now I’m back to square one with many months less of planning and looking. And I don’t want to. I don’t want to be around a ton of people I don’t want to talk to, I don’t want to not be home for the older kids, I don’t want to be to tired for them to play on the playground after school. I just want everything to stay how it is right now.

I hate being sad still. I hate not being pregnant, I hate being judgmental, I hate being the way I am right now.

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So… I’m done

April 20, 2012 · Filed under mourning, second trimester loss

For now at least, I’m done trying to talk my DH into trying again… I say yes he says no.. It sucks but no wins. It doesn’t make it any better to make myself cry over it over and over again. I made this decision a few days ago… I have been sadder then ever before for those last few days. Probably because I am choking on the words I want to say, but it is unfair to say them and hurt my husband time and time again.

I got my ultrasound pictures today finally.. 4 pages of them.. He was really real. Even sleeping he was the sweetest thing ever. I’m sad but so very glad I finally got those pictures of my boy. They are all I get to have.

I am done with birth control I think… I have been on the pill for 2 weeks.. I have had 2 weeks of breakthrough bleeding WTF is the point of the damn pill then?? So fucking over it. I will finish this month but I’m unsure if I will continue it next month. IDK?

So I’m done.. done with the pill and done trying to make my hubby understand why I so badly need and want to try again.. Whatever

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What’s the point,

April 15, 2012 · Filed under mourning, second trimester loss

I spent this morning hiding in bed, sobbing…

Last night hubby told me he isn’t ready to try again yet.. I understand that. I really really do.. Trust me I don’t hold that against him. I love him to much to not understand or be angry over that.

Then he said he didn’t want to try again just because I’m sad over our loss.

What’s the point in me trying to act happy. What’s the point in me eating in an effort to show him that I’m getting better.  What is the point in carrying on everyday when I just want to curl up and fade away. Whats the point in hiding the hurt I feel so deeply so that I can smile and laugh. I wish it didn’t sound childish I wish I didn’t feel so selfish. The only time I am truly happy is when I am thinking about trying again.. It’s not that I want to replace our baby it is that it feels like that is the only thing that will fill this huge unspeakable void. I wish I could tell my hubby this with out sounding petty and immature. I wish he could see this and understand. I wish he knew how much my heart breaks when he says those things to me. I wish I could talk about it with out crying, sobbing, tearing up and becoming incomprehensible . I wish he felt the same way.

What’s the point?

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Unfinished

April 12, 2012 · Filed under mourning, second trimester loss

Baby, I have a blanket I was crocheting for you, It sits unfinished on my kitchen island where it has set since 4 weeks ago. I can’t move it, I can’t tie it off and I can’t finish it. And so it sits unfinished.

Baby I had a dream about you. It was so real I woke up only to feel my empty belly and the ache in my heart knowing you weren’t really there. I woke up before the end so that dream is unfinished.

Baby I can’t believe it has been 4 weeks now. A full month.  Since I knew for a fact that you were gone, That our time together would be unfinished.

Unfinished is exactly how I am feeling today, raw, angry, sad, and unfinished..

 

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