Getting better

Things seem to be getting better here. slowly but surely we are getting through and surviving. I have had several days of not crying myself to sleep, not moping around the house all day. But I still miss my little boy like crazy. I’m still not really healed I think I am just accepting that he is gone and nothing I do can fix that.

I’m still punishing myself everyday. That is a hard sentence to write but it is true.

As a teen I suffered from anorexia.. To the point where I was 5 foot 8 and weighed 115 lbs and still thought I was fat. Just because I dealt with it doesn’t mean it is gone. I don’t think it ever really leaves. I can’t look in a mirror with out seeing myself a “fat, huge, or obese”. When times like these happen and I am feeling out of control.. I control my eating. I haven’t been eating lately. Or I haven’t been eating enough. Lately I can get through the day on 5-7 pretzels, or a banana, a couple cups of coffee and a multi vitamin. If hubby is home I will eat some dinner. Not enough though. I have gone from 185 lbs (my highest a month ago while preggo) to 165lbs today.

That’s a loss of 20 lbs in about 3 weeks maybe less… And I need to loss some, but I should probably stop now… I’m not sure I can though… As someone who was sucked into anorexia before it isn’t just easy to leave it behind. I am still punishing my body. I was eating so well while I was pregnant. Even though eating an extra meal/snack sucks. (one of those throwbacks to high school I am ALWAYS aware of what goes into my mouth). Eating extra is horrible and I hate it but to make a healthy baby I will do it. I was eating first thing in the  morning, breakfast, lunch, dinner, and a snack before bed. And that still wasn’t good enough… So now my body is subsisting on the bare minimum, I don’t want to give it more because it failed me.

Maybe I’m not really getting better yet. I don’t know anymore.

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