I am a looser

Yesterday was the first good day I’ve had since the Thursday before last when we got the horrible news. Yesterday My hubby got news that come Monday his company will be offering him a position as an assistant manager. Not only does this mean longer hours but a raise (Of A-LOT) and a steady salaried paycheck instead of commission and us having to worry that this next check “might be $300 to get us through 2 weeks because no one was buying appliances. Commission can be great and it can really really suck balls too.

So yesterday hubby get this news and I am so happy and part of that is because I am thinking ” oh maybe we can try for another baby”… Seriously.. How can I think like that already.. He isn’t even 2 weeks gone… WTH is wrong with me :(.

So even still I was all sorts of happy yesterday deliriously so.. just on cloud nine, I even fell asleep for the first time in weeks without crying myself to sleep first… And So I woke up feeling guilty.. WTH should I be so happy… even though I still am so happy for my  husband I don’t know how to feel right now ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG I am conflicted and sad and happy and everything in between. And apparently I have chosen to no longer enjoy food. I have eaten maybe one meal a day (if even) for the last week… We went out to lunch with my parents I had yogurt and half a muffin and my stomach hurt so bad afterwords it was awful.

Oh and today my 5 year old put on a pair of fairy wings and starts running around playing “Angel” so she can be our angels best friend. Then she asks me “mommy what is our angel’s name?” How do you say “I don’t know honey mommy and daddy never really picked one for him”… It’s one thing to tell that to your friends how do you say that to a 5 year old… I mean he was real and loved and wanted so badly.. but I don’t know… I wanted to say “baby his name was going to be Elijah”. But that isn’t a decision I can make on my own. Elijah was going to be his name. But I just don’t know now… That is something my husband and I both have to talk about but I can’t even talk about him with out crying, tearing up, having a frog in my throat and being unable to talk any more. I am just so damn sad… I am a looser and I need to be happy I just can’t be for long periods of time yet.

Baby mommy misses you so badly and I wish god could just tell me what to do because I am drowning here.


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