Sigh

So it has been a week now and All I can say is that I am a horrible, jealous, angry, mean and hateful person. I can’t look at a pregnant mama without wanting to cry. I can’t see babies without choking back tears and whispering it’s not fair.. I want to be happy and loving but no I get to tell yet another person that I had a dead baby. I get to talk to my 5 year old while she draws pictures of our angel, and asks me “mommy why did our baby have to be an angel? I really did want a baby i don’t want an angel so much” I get to try to explain to my 9 year old that god didn’t  make his brother die or take him away from us… I get to cry with my 12 year old while he fingers the tiny hat the nurses gave me. And I get to help my 6 year old go back and tell all of her teachers that we aren’t going to have a baby after all. I get to cry myself to sleep every single damn night and i get the phantom kicks that feel so fucking real. I get leaky boobs and no help for that either. Maybe we didn’t plan this baby but he was wanted so badly and it’s just not fair.

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